


Don't Go

by Iflyinmydreams (orphan_account)



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Broken Promises, Divorce, Love, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Smut, Therapy, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 03:35:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21068159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Iflyinmydreams
Summary: After five years of marriage, Light is done.





	1. Shocked

Curious about the sounds coming from the bedroom of their high rise apartment, L put down the coffee and pushed his office chair away from his computer desk. It wasn't like Light to be doing laundry so early in the morning, but that's sort of what it sounded like to L. Why was he out of his routine? Usually by now he’d have brought L coffee, breakfast, and a kiss on the forehead. It was always the best part of the morning, in his opinion.

“What are you doing?” The question was almost accusatory, though he didn't mean it to sound that way. L was simply shocked, is all. He didn't expect to open the door to find his husband of five years packing a suitcase.

Light stopped as he hovered over the bed where the open suitcase sat, nearly full. His shoulders heaved and he turned around, his face unreadable to L. L hated it when he did that, when he steeled his emotions away so it was impossible to know what he was feeling. “I'm leaving you, L.”

Words didn't come to L. The two men simply stared at each other until the auburn haired one sighed, rolled his eyes at the lack of response, and got back to packing. He ironically thought that perhaps he wouldn't have felt the need to leave if L had ever learned at all how to communicate.

Finally, L found a word, “Oh.” The shock was too strong to say more. Did he help Light pack? Did he go back to his work? Or should he stand here like an idiot for a little while longer, awkward as hell? There wasn't a clear answer coming to his hazy mind.  
Perhaps if he could get Light to sit and talk with him, they could sort this whole thing out. “Stay for at least one cup of coffee?”

“No,” Light didn't even look at L when he said it. He just kept on packing.

“Shouldn't we at least talk about it?” L resisted the urge to put this fingers in his mouth. Lately it seemed to irritate Light whenever he did so.

Light finally stopped and turned to him, “Talk? L, I've been trying to talk to you for years. Do you know what happens when we 'talk’? I speak and you appear to sit in stunned silence the entire time and we get nowhere. Nothing ever changes.”

As predicted, L stood there in stunned silence. Light scoffed at how correct he was at the predictability of his husband and tossed the last of the toiletries into the suitcase before zipping it up. With case in hand, he turned to L, “Goodbye, L. I love you. I just can't be with you anymore.”

Feeling trapped in his body somehow, L internally screamed as Light walked out. If only Light could read his mind, he'd know the many worried thoughts racing through his mind. Light had taken care of him the past five years and L didn't think he'd make it on his own. He had no life skills to speak of. He was good at puzzle solving and making money, that was it. The arrangement has become such that L provided financially and Light did the rest. They didn't discuss it, exactly, that's just how the pieces fell. L recalled how Light complained that he was unhappy, but L didn't know how to solve that problem. He had nothing of value to offer. How small it made him feel, even now.

***

As The elevator doors closed on Light, he leaned against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut tight. He wouldn't break down here. No, he'd wait until he was in the hotel across the street, safe and alone in his room before he let it all out.

Somehow, even as he walked to the hotel and collected his key card from the front desk, he couldn't believe he'd finally done it. He actually left. He'd been miserable for a long time, denying it, lying to himself. But L didn't want any of the things he wanted out of life. It seemed like L just wanted a slave. Light wanted vacations and adventure and one day kids. L just looked at him funny when he said that. It was fucking infuriating.

To be honest, he wondered if L ever really loved him at all. Was L capable of the depth and range of emotion most other people were? It hurt to think that he gave the best years of his life to a man who didn't, or possibly couldn't, love him.

Throwing his bag on the floor of his bedroom, Light padded his pants pockets. Key card and wallet, check. To the bar downstairs, then. He'd get good and drunk, he thought. And maybe, just maybe he'd do something reckless and wild. Maybe he'd see a cute man at the bar and have a one night stand. Light was free now, he could do whatever he wanted.

***

So lost was L without Light that he didn't eat all day. Sure, part of it was horror and anxiety, but mainly it was because Light always fed him. He never had to concern himself with when to eat. Food simply appeared before him with a glass of juice or water, coffee, and a kiss on the forehead. L touched his forehead. There were no kisses today. It occurred to him that there never would be again, and that's when he finally broke down.

The fetal position on top of the bed seemed the most conducive way to sob inconsolably to oneself. He cried like a child until he passed out, utterly exhausted. He never really cried in front of Light. Refusing to do so, L usually locked himself away and dealt with his emotions alone. Looking back, perhaps that was a mistake. Light seemed a willing participant in his highs and lows. It would seem to L, once he woke up again, that he missed the mark by quite a lot on what it actually meant to be married.

Laying on the bed lost in thought, he recalled that one of the things Light had asked for over and over again was to go to counseling. L usually either outright refused in one of his rare moments of participating in a conversation or he sat silent. It wasn't that he was against it. No. It was more that the thought of telling a stranger anything even remotely personal was horrifying. How he wished he could've told Light that. Light would've understood. How he wished he'd told Light anything at all. Maybe he would've stayed.

Picking up his cell phone, L did a Google search and decided to email one of the many therapists local to him. There was one who would come to him. Concierge, as it were. He liked the thought of that. It would be far less intimidating in his own home. L quickly typed out an email and sent it. Maybe this therapist person knew some kind of psychological trick to get Light back. There had to be some kind of secret, some sort of magical formula. Then again, perhaps not.

The next step, L decided, was to feed himself. Stepping into the kitchen, he felt overwhelmed by the many appliances and abundance of food in the refrigerator. Most of it was fresh produce and lean meats. Things that were ingredients to dishes Light had planned out for them. L didn't know how to cook. It was shameful, really. Could he even boil water? “Please come back Light. It hasn't even been a day yet and I'm afraid I'll die of starvation in a house full of food.”

***

Light was hammered. There was no recalling the last time he was this drunk. Hell, had he ever been this drunk? He'd made small talk with a couple at the bar and they told him about a night club not to far from the hotel. It sounded like a fantastic idea to go out dancing. L would've never gone out dancing. Not in a million years!

Smiling stupidly, Light drunkenly paid his tab and poured himself into a cab. This newfound freedom was amazing, he thought. He could do whatever he wanted. Have as much fun as he wanted. Kiss as many people as he wanted. Dance the night away.  
So, he did. It was still early, so there weren't many people in the club yet and nobody was dancing. He didn't care. Light ordered a drink and stepped out into the floor. He was a great dancer, and that was something L never knew about him. How could he know? They didn't even dance at their fucking wedding!

It didn't take long for a hot guy to grind up against him. Oh, fuck yes! As people filled in, Light and his tall, handsome stranger friend danced and ground against each other. It would lead to a blow job in the bathroom later on in the night. A dirty, sexy, toe curling blow job the likes of which L would never give. L didn't like oral sex. Who the fuck doesn't like oral? For a man with an oral fixation, you'd think he'd love to have a hard, throbbing cock in his mouth.

The night ended for Light when he was in the bathroom a second time to vomit uncontrollably into the toilet. He bid his blow job buddy goodnight and stumbled on back to his hotel. He'd throw himself onto the bed, still fully clothed, and pass out. The next morning would be harsh, complete with a throbbing migraine, a horrendous stench he couldn't believe came from his own body, and the momentary plea for death and the swearing off of alcohol forever that comes with every good hangover.

He puked one good time in the toilet and managed to sit in the shower until his throbbing head subsided just a little. Did he really let a stranger suck his dick in the club bathroom last night? What a whore he was turning out to be. It had only been 24 hours since his split with L. Perhaps he should consider slowing down a bit.

Breakfast consisted of black coffee and dry cereal at the free Continental breakfast the hotel offered. For the first time in his life, he didn't care that he looked like warm dog shit. Let them judge him. They didn't know how his life had fallen apart. How the man he swore to love forever was left alone and how guilty he felt over that. He knew L would struggle without him. It's not like he could call Watari up. The old man had passed away two years ago. That's when things honestly got bad between them, but L wouldn't talk about it. He wouldn't go to counseling. He just hid himself away like it would all go away and not be real if he refused to face it. Well, that's not how life works. 

***

L found himself sitting before a woman only a few years his senior. She was attractive, professionally dressed, and seemed pleasant enough. She had introduced herself and pulled out a notepad and now sat patiently before L, waiting for him to say something. “You know, Ryuzaki, this only works if you talk to me.”

He nodded once, then looked away from her, his finger tips clutching the arms of the chair he sat in.

“I'm alright with nonverbal communication for now,” she said, acknowledging his nod. “I'll try to stick to yes or no questions. In your email, you said your husband left you and you wanted to learn how to get him back, correct?”

L nodded.

“Well, I can't make any promises, but I do know the first step to any healthy relationship is good communication. Would you say you're quite weak in that area?”

L nodded.

“Alright. It seems we found our starting place. Do you think you're comfortable enough to tell me something about yourself or your husband? Anything at all?”

L nodded, then proceeded to open and close his mouth in several starts and stops. Finally, with determination written all over his face, he said, “My husband’s name is Light, and he was the best thing that ever happened to me.”


	2. Reaching Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L does his best to win back his husband

Every day was hard. L must've typed out a hundred different text messages ranging from “I love you, please come home” to “I have no idea how the washer works. Please help me”. He'd deleted them all. If Light wanted space, L needed to give him some. At least, that's what his therapist said.

He'd only been seeing her a few weeks, but despite the horrendous pain associated with Light’s departure, he was improving. His therapist recommended something called a life coach, which turned out to be a person who didn't seem to mind getting paid to show him how to do things like laundry and cook. They spent an entire day meal planning and prepping for the week. It was a great idea and extremely helpful, but exhausting for L. How the fuck did Light do this every day? No wonder he left!

“Hello, Dr. Susan,” L greeted his therapist as he invited her into the apartment.

His greeting was a far cry from the silence she was met with on their first day. She looked around the apartment. It was much cleaner. “Hi, Ryuzaki. How are you doing today?”

“Alright, I suppose. Coffee?”

“Sure.”

Not only had L's house keeping improved, but so had his manners. A month ago he would've never offered her a drink of anything. Impressed with his progress, she accepted the coffee he offered and they both took their usual seats. “It would seem the coach I recommended has been beneficial.”

“Oh, yes.”

“Ryuzaki, how do you feel about reaching out to your husband and inviting him over for dinner? You could show him the valuable new skills you've learned and attempt to open a dialogue about the future. Try to win him back.”

“I don't think one dinner will win him back.”

“No, but it's a starting place. It'll allow him to see how serious you are. You can show him that you're willing to put in the work.”

L thought quietly about her words a moment, then nodded his head. It was a good idea, and if Light came to him, it would be better than meeting out. More comfortable. And he didn't have to make anything fancy. Pasta with red sauce and a salad kit. Not overwhelming, not stressful. L smiled, “Ok.”

The rest of the session was spent building L up with praise for his progress and encouraging him to step out of his comfort zone. Susan hoped he wouldn't back out once she left. There was always next week, she thought. No rush on any of this. She did want to meet this Light fellow, though. L never had a bad thing to say about him. The only way she got him talking was if it was gushing over how amazing his husband was. It was interesting, because how could somebody clearly love another person so much and yet never tell them? Especially to the point they leave!

Once the good doctor had left, L paced his apartment, phone in hand. Should he call Light or text him? If he called, would he even be able to speak? Texting seemed safer, somehow. He'd definitely text.

With a deep breath, he typed out: _Hey Light. I really miss you and would love it if you would come over for dinner tonight._

He read it over and over, unsure of what else to say. Closing his eyes and with a big gulp, he pressed send. If Light didn't respond quickly, it would be an agonizing wait, he knew.

***

On the other side of the street, Light wasn't fairing quite so well. His freedom and fun lasted all of three days. Now it was just sad. He'd forgotten just how much he hated being alone. Despite how much L irritated him, he always had his butt to hold onto every night when they went to bed. Without fail, L would lay on his side and stick out his butt, and Light would reach around him and pull him into his hips. That's how they always slept. There was no butt to hold onto anymore. No soft white skin. No black, messy hair. No soft snores or drool or wet fingers going from L's mouth onto his face in his sleep. It was nothing, and it was cold.

Light had wondered many times if his leaving was a mistake. He'd try to remind himself all the reasons he left in the first place. At first it fueled his anger, making it easier to stay gone. But sooner or later that anger faded, and now he just missed the shit out of that annoying, silent man.

Light's phone buzzed. A text from L? It was unexpected. The last month was nothing but radio silence. Light almost wondered if the guy actually did die without him. But no, he was inviting Light over for dinner. Wonder if I'll have to cook it for us, he thought with a laugh. Whatever, he could humor L. It would be nice to see him anyway. _What time_? He shot back, then added: _I miss you too._

***

L leapt into the air, dancing for literal joy over his husband saying yes to dinner. So excited was he, in fact, that he almost forgot to text Light back. _6?_

_I'll see you then,_ came the reply.

The easy part would be the actual cooking bit. L had learned several simple things he could cook over the past few weeks so he didn't die of starvation and knew that sticking to his pasta and salad plan was a solid win. Light wouldn't care that it was simple, he would care that L could do it.

After a shower and change of clothes, he started the pot of water at 5:30. Knowing Light, there was a good chance he'd be early and L didn't want to be distracted from his task by the early arrival. As he waited for the water to boil, he set the table, considered a bottle of red wine, shrugged, and placed it on the table.

The pasta cooked, the red sauce simmered, and the salad kit got tossed into a bowl. He was draining the pasta just as the door bell rang me” Coming!” _Fifteen minutes early. Knew it!_

“Hi, Light,” L smiled when he opened the door, attempting to hide his pounding heart and shaking hands behind good manners and pleasantries.

“I brought cake,” Light said, holding the white pastry box up in front of him.

L took it and stepped aside, “Wonderful,” he said. “Come in. Care for a glass of wine?”

Light smiled but wondered secretly if L had hit his head or something. Who was this man pleasantly greeting him at the door, offering him wine? “Yes, please,” Light said as he pulled off his coat and hung it on the rack.

L went over to the kitchen and placed the called on the counter, then moved to the red wine sitting on the table. He poured both he and Light a glass, nearly spilling it out of nervousness. Breathe, L. You've got this. Bringing it over to Light, he said, “I made spaghetti. Nothing magical. Are you ready to eat?”

“Yes, do you need help in the kitchen?” Light couldn't believe L even made something as simple as spaghetti without burning down the apartment. Seriously, who was this man?

“No thanks. Just have a seat at the table. I'll bring it right over,” L said as he began to plate the food.

Light had taken several bites of his pear-Gorgonzola salad before he patted his mouth with his napkin and looked at L. “When did you learn to cook?”

L blushed. How did he explain? “I-my uh, life coach has been teaching me all kinds of things,” he stammered out.

“Life coach?” Light didn't say it in a judgmental way, just in a surprised way.

“Um, yes, my therapist r-recommended her,” _fucking stutter, here we go._

“Therapist?” Light nearly laughed. He was shocked and not sure if he should be mad or amused. Currently he felt a mixture of both. “I tried for two years to get you to see a therapist.”

“Your words f-finally sunk in,” L smiled nervously.

Light wouldn't act on his anger. It was fleeting anyway. This was the most L had spoken to him in years. He didn't want to ruin that by blowing up and starting a fight. It was obvious L was nervous and uncomfortable but trying. Light took a deep breath and stretched his hand across the table. L took it. “I'm proud of you,” Light said.

L couldn't help the hot tears flooding his eyes. They were unexpected, sudden, and he couldn't hold them back. Light’s face took on a look of shock as L cried for the first time in front of him. He stood and walked to his husband’s seat, knelt down, and wrapped L in his arms.

L sobbed all the harder when he felt Light’s lips brush his forehead. He'd missed those tender kisses so much. He clung to Light’s shirt, uncaring that he soaked it with his tears. He just wanted his husband back. He would be better, he promised.

“Hey,” Light spoke softly into L's hair once he'd calmed down a bit. “I love you.”

“I l-love y-y-you too.”

“Can we talk?” Light pulled away to look L in the face but held his head in his hands lovingly.

L nodded. “I'm s-still no good at it.”

“I think you're doing great,” Light said as he went back to his seat. “Breathe.”

They held hands across the table again and L nodded as he took several deep breaths. The calmer he could be, the less he would stutter. As he breathed, Light started the conversation off, “I'll be honest, I wasn’t expecting this. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Your therapist, will they see me too? Us together?”

L nodded.

“Would that be ok with you?”

L nodded. It was more than ok. It was everything he could hope for. There was a real chance he could win his husband back. _Don't screw this up. Don't screw this up!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is incredibly encouraging. Your comments are the best!


	3. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light is eaten up by the guilt of his indiscretion.

“Dessert?” Light asked as he stood to clear the dishes.

L stood too and took the plates from his husband's hands, “I'll clear the table, you cut the cake,” he winked.

“Deal,” Light said with a grin. _L doing dishes, never thought I would see the day_. He watched as L scraped, rinsed, and tossed them all in the dishwasher. If this was truly the 'new’ L, a functioning partner, a real teammate, Light couldn't wait to move back home.

But he still had reservations. It had only been a month. Could L really keep this up? Would he return to his old habits once Light came back? Surely it would be an uphill battle, but one worth fighting.

When L turned around from the sink Light surprised him with a kiss. At first he stiffened at the unexpected intimate moment, then softened into it with a small moan. He'd missed those heavenly lips. Pushing forward, L deepened the kiss, lacing his fingers through the hair on the back of Light's neck.  
When they parted, Light pecked him one more time before saying, “I've missed you.”

_He means sex. He definitely means sex,_ L thought excitedly as he leaned into another kiss, this time with an open mouth and exploratory tongue. Light “mmm’d” into it with surprise at his husband's assertion and growing passion. “bedroom?” L asked when the kiss ended.

“Yes,” Light gently pulled L's hands from around his neck and held one as he walked toward the bedroom.

Giggles escaped them as they kicked off their clothes and came together as they had so many times before. They knew each other's bodies well, a perfect map drawn across the skin of each man for the other. Light littered L's torso with a constellation of kisses, taking his time even though he desperately wanted to ravage the body beneath him.

This was the magical part of marriage, the secret part. This was where problems melted away and vulnerabilities were kept sacred and the two moved as one because they were one. They were bonded, twined together like strong rope, difficult to cut through and strong enough to hold up the heaviest weights.

It was a secret place meant only for the two of them and that's why the guilt ate away at Light with every thrust of his defiled hips. He'd let a stranger blow him in the bathroom while he was still married and then he dared to fuck his husband with that same dick. Dared to put it in L's mouth and tell him it was good as though he had nothing to compare it to. Kiss the man he promised fidelity to with those lying lips. How dare he.

Now, however, was not the time for confession. Not while L groaned and writhed beneath him, legs parted, body willing, soul bared. For a moment Light entertained the thought of bringing his secret with him to the grave. What good would it do to tell L anyway? The thoughts tortured him until he could think no more as his body trembled with climax and he filled L with his deceit.

They lay in a pile of sweaty, heavily breathing masses on the bed, one satisfied in his bliss, the other struggling with his guilt. L planted sweet kisses of love and trust all over Light's face, brushing his matted hair aside. “I love you. Please stay,” L whispered.

While Light would've preferred to crawl in a hole alone and die of shame, all he did was whisper back, “Ok.”

Though sleep claimed L with ease that night as he laid wrapped in his lovers arms feeling safe, it wasn’t the same for Light. His sleep was shallow and interrupted easily. Eventually, he just got up and decided to start the day. Maybe making breakfast for the two of them would take his mind off things.

It was easy getting back into his old routine of early morning chores and making breakfast. What was different is there wasn't as much to do. L had done a decent job of keeping up with chores. He folded a pile of clean laundry and emptied the dishwasher.

Sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, he placed his hands on either side of his head as the feelings overwhelmed him. L had made so many changes, was trying so hard to be everything Light demanded he be, and what was Light? For the first time, he didn't feel worthy of his husband’s love. With a deep breath and sip from his mug, he attempted to push those feelings aside. He'd never meant to cheat on L. He sincerely thought they were never getting back together at the time. It was a weak justification, but it was all he had. These feelings of guilt and shame would fade over time, he knew. This secret would be buried, forgotten over time as Light vowed to do everything in his power to be a husband worthy of L's love.

L would wake with the sun and panic a moment when Light’s side of the bed felt empty. That feeling would subside, however, when the smells of cooking food wafted into the room. With a smile and a feeling of pure joy, he got out of bed to meet his sweet lover in the kitchen.

Light was busy finishing up a pan of frying bacon when he felt L's arms wrap around him from behind. “Good morning baby,” L's muffled voice said into Light's back.

“Morning. Why don't you get yourself a cup of coffee? Breakfast is almost done,” Light suggested.

L kissed the back of Light's neck, the hair tickling his nose as he walked over to the coffee pot. Sitting at the table with his mug, he sipped it as he watched Light plate the food and bring it over. “This looks great!” L said, hungry eyes drinking in the pancakes, bacon, chopped fruit and eggs.

They'd both worked up appetites from the night before, and took several bites before either of them spoke again. Light went first, “How do you feel about me moving back in?”

L stopped with his fork halfway to his mouth. “I would love that.”

“I'll check out today then. After breakfast,” Light smiled.

“I-I've been thinking,” L said, diverting his eyes away from Light and instead focusing on the bit of pancake he was poking with his fork. “I don't really _need_ to work. I thought maybe- I thought I could retire, spend more time with you.”

Light couldn't believe what he was hearing. “But you love your job.”

“I love you more. It takes me away from you and I don't want that,” L explained happily, finally in a place where he could relax when he spoke to Light.

Light couldn't take it. It was all too much. L wouldn't leave his job if he knew the truth. Breaking down into uncontrollable sobs, Light held his head in his hands and cried, “I cheated on you! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I'm leaving it on a bit of a cliff hanger. We'll see what L has to say in the next chapter 😁


	4. The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light learns some very eye opening things about L

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I've updated the tags. This chapter is pretty graphic in its depiction of child rape.

“You dishonest, cheating, worthless pile of shit! I can't believe I let you put that thing inside me! In my mouth! All over my body! I've done everything in my power to win you back and this is how I'm repaid? Get the fuck out. GET OUT RIGHT NOW!” Of course, all of this was what L _wanted_ to say. He imagined it in his head as he stood from the table and punched his husband right in the nose. But he did none of that. No, instead L sat wide eyed in stunned silence as Light sobbed shamelessly over his breakfast, repeating over and over how sorry he was.

It took everything L had to simply push himself away from the table and walk back into their bedroom, locking the door behind him. He felt like such a fool. It was a hard choice between laying himself out on the cold tile of the bathroom floor and crying, or the soft carpet of the closet. Light couldn't hear him from either place, he knew, but it was a chilly morning so he settled for the closet.

Light rapped his knuckles against the bedroom door, “Please, L. Please talk to me. Don't do this.” All his pleading fell on deaf ears, of course. There was no way L was going to face him now. All the work he'd done to become better at communicating went right out the window. He could hear Light, however, and knew his regret was deep and sincere. Light continued speaking through his own tears, not knowing what else to do. “At the time I thought we were done, L. I would've never… I couldn't have known we’d be getting back together. I feel like I've ruined everything. I know I let you down.”

L's sobs had quieted down to sniffles at this point as he listened to his husband's apology. With the calming down, rational thought returned to him as well._ It was a blow job, not a torrid affair._ He was still hurt, but he could forgive Light. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but little by little, day by day, they could work toward it together.

Light was surprised when he felt the door open, and he fell back a bit from where he was sitting against it. Quickly rising to his feet, red rimmed eyes exchanged sorrowful looks. “I'm tired of being at odds,” L said.

“Me too.”

With that, L stepped through the doorway and wrapped his arms around his husband, strong arms returning the embrace. Light planted a kiss on top of L's head as L buried his face in Light's chest. There was a sense of great relief, as though everything were going to be alright. The two of them held each other a long while, wanting to make the most of this closeness, of the love they almost lost. How could they ever forget how much they love each other? How did they get to a place so bad? Never again, they each silently vowed. Never again.

***

In the days that followed, Light would get to meet Dr. Susan when he and L had their first couple’s session. They'd be given the tools to better communication, like learning to reflect and not getting caught up in a right fight. L would take his first steps toward healing from Light’s indiscretion, and they held hands as they spoke about things openly for the first time that they'd never openly spoken of before.

“I felt like a glorified Watari replacement,” Light said, “I know now that's not true.”

“No, that was never true and I hate that you felt that way,” L said, “Watari’s passing wrecked me. You know some of the things he did for me, but I've never… he's the reason I can speak at all.”

When L fell silent, Dr. Susan stepped in, “Can you expand on that for us?”

L nodded. With a deep breath, he said, “My stutter was b-bad when I was little. My dad thought he c-could b-beat it out of me.”

Light was horrified. L had never told him this before. Suddenly his husband’s preference to remain silent more often than not made perfect sense. It also made Light feel horrible for all the times he yelled at L over it. “Oh my God.”

“I'm so sorry that happened to you,” Dr. Susan said.

L nodded in acknowledgement and looked at Light, “When you’re angry with me, I just see my father. It's like I can't tell you apart in the moment and I can't speak.”

“What Ryuzaki is describing, Light, is a PTSD flashback,” Dr. Susan explained.

_Holy shit._ Light felt shocked. _So this whole time he's been struggling this bad and I've just been treating him like shit_. “I'm sorry,” Light whispered, overwhelmed. “I'm so sorry I made you feel this way. I didn't know. I'll never yell at you again.”

“Now, that's not to say he won't get angry with you, Ryuzaki. You're both allowed to be upset or angry with each other. Those are normal, healthy emotions. It's your actions that count,” Dr. Susan explained.

The two men nodded. “I'll try to tell you when it's happening next time,” L said.

“Ok. When it happens, should I give you space?” Light asked.

L shrugged, seeming unsure. “We could try it.”

Light squeezed L's hand, still feeling like a shithead. For five years he railed L angrily for his silence, and for five years L suffered in it. He took a shuddering breath and squeezed his eyes shut to keep the tears back. He was successful, but barely.

Over time Light would learn how bad the abuse was for L as a child. His father beat his mother too, and would lock L in his room without food or water, sometimes for days. He'd get drunk and beat him with a belt until he bled. Eventually he started selling L for drugs. L recalled the first time a strange man entered his bedroom. Somehow he knew what that man was there to do. Not knowing what to do with himself, he laid quietly while the man undressed him. He remembered feeling cold as those rough hands touched him. Dry fingers pressed into his butt and he whimpered more in fear than discomfort. A rough laugh left the man as he brought his penis to L's mouth and told him to “Suck on it like candy”. It certainly didn't taste like candy, and he wasn't expecting the white goo to come out of it that did either, and he gagged as the man made him swallow it.

Things got a lot worse from there. Sometimes it was multiple men in a night, causing L to lose sleep and struggle at school the next day. He didn't remember what the man looked like who first raped him, but he remembered the feeling. He thought he was dying, being ripped in half. This time he did struggle and scream, but the man covered his mouth as he forced his dick inside of L's tiny body.

L would wake the next day covered in blood. Terrified of getting in trouble for it, he cleaned up the best he could and went to school. Not knowing he had an active bleed, it wasn't until the blood soaked through his pants in a tiny spot and the teacher took notice that anything changed for him. He was taken to the nurses office where his soiled underwear was bagged for evidence along with his pants. Embarrassingly, he was given new pants and underwear with a panty liner to wear. The police were called, and he trembled in terror as he tried to explain what had happened. That's the day he was taken from his parents.

He didn't know it then, but his life was about to get much better. Watari found him some how and brought him to his special school. He got L speech therapy to help with his stutter. L blossomed at Wammy’s. It seemed the horrors of his past were over. And now as an adult with a supportive and informed spouse, they could look forward to a future together full of love and understanding, healing and progress.


	5. Blow Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light's relationship improves

Things had gotten comfortable for Light and L. Not in a boring way, but in a healthy, fulfilled relationship way. They'd been in therapy together for about a year, and L had reduced his life coach sessions from weekly to monthly roughly six months ago.

The two lovers were lying naked in bed, Light on his stomach with his perfect, tan ass uncovered, and L on his back, hands behind his head as he gazed up at the ceiling pondering his response to Light's question. “It's not that I don't like it. It's that I feel like I'm not good at it.”

“First of all, you are definitely good at it. Second of all, you can only get better through practice,” Light said with a smile.

L laughed, “Yeah, but am I drunken blow job in a bathroom good?”

Light rolled his eyes, “I thought we weren't going to joke about things that are real? And honestly that blow job was shit.”

“I mean, it was a long time ago and I'm over it if you are,” L glanced at Light with a shrug. “And how bad was it, exactly?”

“Teeth scraping my shaft, bad,” Light said.

“Oof,” L winced. “Alright fine, roll over.” L smiled as he sat up, but Light didn't move.

“Why don't we both get on our sides? First one to come has dish duty,” Light said as he shifted onto his side.

“You’re on!” L loved a good challenge, and positioned himself in front of his husband's already hard cock. He was pretty sure he could win this challenge.  
Stilling Light’s hips with his hands, L sucked Light hard, all the way to the base. Drool escaped his mouth and his jaw became sore, but he could tell he was in the lead with the way Light groaned around his penis.

There were a couple of times L stopped and gasped as the pleasure mounted. Light had taken to probing his ass with his fingers and massaging his balls. _Two can play at that game,_ L thought as he inserted a saliva slicked finger inside Light's body and began probing for his prostate. He must've hit the spot, because Light screamed, gagged, coughed on L's dick and then came hard into his mouth.

L always immediately swallowed, but it wasn't his favorite thing to do. Maybe if he hadn't been traumatized by it as a child he'd enjoy it more. At least it didn't make him gag as an adult like it had as a child. He pushed those thoughts from his mind. He didn't need to be thinking of the abuse he endured during an intimate moment with his husband. He was safe here. He was loved.

It didn't take long for Light to recover from his gagging and coughing fit and pull an orgasm from his husband. Once he pulled off, he sighed, “Guess I'm on dish duty.”

L laughed, “I'll help you. You gave me pretty good head so I can't let you take on a full punishment for that.”

Light turned around and crawled up L's chest, “Awe, so sweet,” he teased, planting a kiss to those soft lips. “Mmm, tasty.”

“Yeah, you like the taste of your own come?” L laughed out.

“Only on you,” Light said, kissing him again. He slipped his tongue between L's lips and licked for traces of his come inside that hot mouth he loved so much.

“Holy crap, you're hard again?” L asked, breaking the kiss.

Light smiled deviously before plunging his tongue back into that wonderful mouth. Pulling away, he reached for the lube on the night stand. L shifted his hips and parted his legs, relaxing in preparation. Light pressed a slick finger inside, moving it back and forth until he felt L relax. He always went slow with this. With L, there could be no rush. Not after what he'd been through, not now that Light knew. He'd never hurt L, never push him, never make him uncomfortable. This was about pleasure and love, and feeling good. He planted sweet kisses to L's abdomen, sticking a second finger inside when he felt ready.

“Mmm, yes baby,” L groaned out as he tangled his fingers in auburn hair.

“Are you ready for me?” Light asked.

“Yes.”

L gasped when Light sunk his throbbing cock inside that sweet heat. Hands flew to the sheets and gripped them tight. Light stilled his hips until L's body gave him the ok to start thrusting. Light leaned over, kissing L as he plundered that glorious body he loved so much. They locked eyes, a lifetime passing between them as they made love.

“I love you,” L said, overwhelmed beneath his lover.

“I love you too,” Light said, pressing a kiss to his lips, nose, forehead.

Light would last much longer the second time, they both knew. But there was no rush here, and they could change positions as they went, enjoying each other's bodies in every way possible. Sweat trickled down their smooth skin, muscles burning and fatigue setting in as they went. L decided to ride Light when he started getting tired. It had been over thirty minutes since they'd started, and Light was just now getting closer to coming. “Come inside me, Light,” L panted out, the words driving Light mad. “I want to feel it. I want your come to slide down my thighs.”

Light clenched his eyes, dug his fingers into L's thighs, and came inside L at the mental image L was giving him. “Oh, oh, oh L!” He placed a hand on his chest as though it would help his racing heart. “Lay back, I want to eat you out.”

“Really?” This was new, but L wouldn't say no to a rim job and a tongue inside his body.

“Yes, what you said is so fucking hot. I want to see it, and I want to clean you out,” Light said as he crawled over to L and pushed up on the base of his thighs. The come looked like warm icing as it seeped out, and Light went to work licking it up from L's thighs, cheeks, and hole.

L screamed when he felt that tongue dart inside him. “Don’t stop! Don't stop, baby. I'm going to come again!” L stroked himself as Light ate him out and it didn't take long for him to ejaculate a second time, all over his fist. Light sat up and licked and sucked each finger clean, L's eyes wide with lust and desire.  
When he was finished, L couldn't believe the amazingly hot display he just witnessed and experienced. “That was amazing, Light.”

Light collapsed on top of him, spent. “I agree,” he said into L's chest as L mindlessly played with his hair. Tilting his head to look up at L, he said, “Do you want children with me?”

L sighed. In the past, it was a topic L avoided out of fear more than anything. Things were different now, though. Both he and Light had grown a tremendous amount. They were better equipped to deal with the trials of life than ever before. “I do, but I'm scared,” he admitted.

“Of what?”

“Being a bad father. Living up to that legacy of abuse,” he said.

“You are the last person I would worry about abusing anybody, L. I think you'd make a fantastic father,” Light pushed himself up to kiss L when he said it and L smiled, feeling warmth spread through his body at the encouraging words. “I wondered if maybe you’d like to adopt with me. Help a kid or two get out of the system. Your story inspired me and I started looking into it.”

“Really? A kid or _two_?” L teased. Light shrugged. He thought about it for a moment, though. In all honesty, not only was it touching that his husband had been inspired to look into it, but the thought of preventing other children from going through what he went through gave him a sense of purpose he hadn't had before. “Alright, let's do it.”

“Really?!” Light felt so excited. He kissed L again and pulled the covers over the both of them. “I want to show you what I found online tomorrow,” he said with a yawn.

“Sounds good,” L said. With that, L turned on his side and stuck out his butt as Light got behind him and held onto him. It was just like they did every night, and neither would change it for the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants one more chapter with the happy couple as parents? 😍


	6. Happily Ever After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L adopt their first child

They were nervous as hell about their first baby. Both men went into some kind of neurotic state of insanity over the cleanliness of their home when they found out there would be home inspections. L couldn't bring himself to allow a single dish to remain in the sink and Light must've vacuumed everything. Twice. When they took the actual baby home, they exhausted themselves further, eventually falling behind on chores when she got sick and keep them up for 3 nights straight.

“Samantha, please sleep. For the love of God please sleep,” Light said as he cradled her in his arms, rocking her gently back and forth. L was downstairs and was supposed to be cleaning, but he was actually passed out on the floor. Light smiled at his success and laid a quietly sleeping Sam down just in time for the door bell to ring and wake her into a crying fit. Light picked her up and just cried with her this time.

L jolted awake, wiped the drool from his mouth and went to answer the door._ Oh God no,_ he thought, embarrassed as he realized who it was.

“Hi there. I'm with Child and Family Services. I'm here to do your inspection,” she smiled pleasantly and L invited her in, hoping she'd overlook the mess.

“You have a beautiful home,” she remarked as she took in the stunning interior. L and Light had decided that high rise apartment living was great for a couple with no kids, but family men needed a house in the suburbs, and like it or not, probably a mini van too.

“Thank you. Um, please excuse the mess. Our daughter has a cold and she's been keeping us up at night,” he explained nervously.

“Oh, you poor dear. Well, I'll tell you what if you consider this messy I'm already impressed,” she said.

Immediately L relaxed. This woman was a saint, truly. It occurred to him that she probably visited multiple households, many of them with more than one child. Every home was probably in a varying state of disaster, but as long as the kids were cared for and safe, it was fine.

They made their way upstairs to find Light softly closing the nursery door, a finger to his lips “She's finally asleep,” he whispered.

“Oh thank God,” L whispered in reply.

The social worker just smiled and asked to quietly peak in. The two agreed and she noted the sound machine, toys, neatly organized changing station, and fan. All looked good to her. The baby appeared to be at a good weight with healthy color and no visible signs of physical abuse, not that she ever thought for a second these men would harm this child.

They showed her their baby gates, play room, where they kept caustic chemicals in the garage out of reach. They had plugs in every outlet, caps on every sharp corner. Pleased with the inspection, she smiled, “You two are doing a wonderful job. I hope you get some sleep tonight.”

They thanked her and she left. After all that fretting and worry, it was really quite simple. They smiled and kissed and headed to bed. Sleep never sounded so sweet.

It didn't take long for their baby fever to be reignited as Samantha got older. They discussed adopting a boy. But when they went back to the center to meet all the kids, their eyes fell to a little boy in a wheel chair. His parents had dumped him because taking care of a disabled child was too hard, and as far as adoptability went, it was explained to them that he was not likely to find a home.

L gave Light _the look_. Light knew what that meant. L had put this foot down, this was happening. “L, our house isn't wheel chair accessible,” he reasoned.

“That can be fixed,” he argued.

“We don't know the nature of his disability. What if his care is complicated?” Light said.

“Well, let's ask.” L turned from his husband and inquired about the boy in the wheel chair. The social worker helping them seemed surprised, but pulled the file on the boy nonetheless.

“Says here he's 6. He's got a rare birth defect in his spine putting pressure on his spinal cord. Says there's a surgery that might help. I guess his parents couldn't afford it.”

“Light, I was 6 when Watari took me in,” to L, this was fate.

Light sighed, “Ok,” he conceded, “but we need to renovate the house. And do more research on his condition.”

L hugged his husband in excitement, but was interrupted by the social worker. “He has a younger brother, as well. I understand if you can't take both.”

“No-“ Light started but L gave him that look again.

“We’ll hire a nanny,” he said.

“Three kids? One disabled? Are you insane?” But he could tell it was of no use. Besides, when Light laid eyes on the adorable 4 year old with big blue eyes and blond hair, he fell in love instantly. “Ok fine,” he said in resignation. “No more kids after this.”

Those were famous last words if ever there were any. The happy duo would wind up with a total of 6 kids when all was said and done. Three girls and three boys, the oldest being 8 at the time of adoption and a complete hellion who needed lots of intense therapy for her behavior.

The surgery to correct David's spine was a success, and after rigorous physical therapy, he was able to walk with assistance. Over time his therapists hoped he'd develop and walk normally one day. They hired two nannies, a house keeper, and a landscaper. Despite the excellent help, they still felt like they were losing their minds. Laundry was never ending, groceries were always dwindling, coffee was never enough.

But on birthday’s and holiday’s when the kids showed them their homemade gifts and hugged them and said they were the best dad's ever, their heart’s melted. They wouldn't change a thing. They loved getting older and cried when they sent their first one off to college. Catalina might have come into their home a destructive force straight from the depths of hell, but she left it a lovely and capable young woman.

When their youngest child Samantha, who was ironically their first, went off to college, the house felt empty for a time. That ended when everyone came home on weekends and holidays. It got even better when their kids got married and started having kids of their own. They had a never ending supply of grand babies to spoil.

Time passed and the grandkids got older. Light and L sat out on their front porch and watched their huge family play games out on their front yard. Everyone was in town for fireworks to celebrate Light and L's 55th wedding anniversary. L reached a shaky, old hand out to Light and held it. Light had lost his hearing some time ago, but L still said, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! It was truly a pleasure to write.

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a little something that popped into my head and I don't know if there will be more. There could be more. If this feels like a story you want to keep reading, tell me!


End file.
